'Confidence is key' they all say. But the problem with that statement is that it does not tell me where to get my confidence. It is like telling a poor man that money solves all problems. Like many others, I have trouble with confidence. I am uncertain about my abilities and I am extremely fickle when it comes to my appearance. It is not something I like about myself, but I've learned to cope with it and I think others can, too.
Let's get to it:
Being confident has to do with realizing your adequacy. It's knowing what you're bad at, but also knowing what you're good at. Being confident is having the knowledge that even though you can't do certain things, you trust yourself enough to complete the task at hand. But you see, I don't have that. I don't have the confidence that I should possess as a relatively well-educated person. I focus too much on what I can't do instead of what I can, and sometimes the thought that I might mess up cripples me so much I refuse to do whatever it is I wanted to do in the first place. It's like being thrown in a swimming pool and the thought of drowning renders your arms motionless. Confidence is not just a light issue that can be tackled by a tacky inspirational poster, it's a fully-fledged problem.
There is no immediate cure for confidence. I sometimes think of dropping out of university when I'm assigned a large task I know I won't be very good at. Of course, it's a fleeting thought that wouldn't actually be acted upon, but nonetheless I have a huge confidence issue that oftentimes develop into full-blown anxiety. Will I be good enough? Will this work? Am I smart enough to do this? I become a walking question mark.
When people say 'confidence issue' they say it like it's nothing. As if people who suffer it do not have racing thoughts that question their intelligence and purpose in life. Confidence is not merely skin-deep. It is so much more than 'being unsure'.
What's more is the confidence we go through on a daily basis in terms of our appearance. Whenever I tell my friends that I do have confidence issues and insecurities, they will ask me why, as if someone without obvious jaw-dropping flaws are not allowed to be insecure. Physical confidence is not about the attributes you have, but it is how you perceive them. It is not about being a conventional beauty, because I have seen unattractive people walk past me with their heads held high and swaying hips that invite the glares of passersby.
People say, 'confidence is sexy' as if I could grab it off a shelf at Target. Yes, I'll get confidence for $59.99, is there a buy two get one free deal?
Confidence is sexy, but again, confidence is not about thinking you're the best thing since sliced bread. It's about knowing all your imperfections and flaws but knowing you have beautiful traits that must be shown off, too. It's seeing the dark but acknowledging the light. Seeing what's ugly, but also seeing the beautiful. But like I said, confidence is not easily obtained. I, too have trouble focusing on the good because I'm too caught up in scrutinizing my flaws.
Although, when people see me, I doubt they know that I have a near-insuperable self-confidence problem. It's a mix of how I carry myself and also my naturally outspoken attitude. But after years of being afraid and being insecure at nearly everything I do, yes, including writing this very article, I have learned the two words that have gotten me through nearly everything.
"Fuck it."
Those two words have helped me achieve so many things. It is always the last the last thought before I publish an article. The last thought before I talk to someone new. The last thought before I do anything that makes my knees buckle. Those words have held my hand and taken me to places I wouldn't dare go otherwise.
Whenever I'm too afraid to do something or too insecure to leave the house, I will always say to myself, "fuck it." Because sometimes, you just need a period to end your vexing thoughts. Instead of leaving the house with questions and self-deprecating statements, you end it with those two words that will act like a full stop.
"Fuck it" is like a large blanket to wrap all your negative emotions.
"Fuck it" stores all your crappy thoughts in one giant sack so you can live your life the way you should.
You cannot fix confidence. There is no medication. No vaccine. No lozenge you can swallow to rid yourself of this disease. It is scary, and it will hurt you many times. The only thing you can do is face whatever problem you have straight on and go, "Fuck it." Because sooner or later, you can't let your own thoughts consume you. I know what it feels like to be trapped in a box of insecurity, and hell, I think I'll always be trapped in it. But at least now I have a trick to getting out of the goddamn box every once in a while. It might not be as often as people would like, but I'm getting there.
Now. Say it with me.
"Fuck it."
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