Hot Topic: Asians Don't Do Small Talk

I was talking to my friend the other day and we were both discussing about how western people seem to just love small talk. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but as a couple of introverted Asians, we find it a bit jarring when an acquaintance asks us about our weekend. Let me tell you, it took some getting used to the first few weeks I was here, and three years later I still stammer at the innocuous question of, "how was your week?" 

Let's get to it:

I've done small talk before, alright? I'm not completely devoid of social mingling. But the thing with us awkward Asian turtles is that small talk is not necessary to sustain friendship. If we stand side by side with an acquaintance waiting for class or if we bump into each other on the street, we will stand there in a palpable silence and we will do so stoically. The first one to break the silence loses. It's like a game. The losers are weaklings.

We don't find it necessary to talk to the acquaintance or stranger next to us simply because we live in a bubble. I won't touch someone else's bubble, and they won't touch mine. It's an unspoken rule. You have your bullshit, and I have my bullshit. We are two human beings with lives separate from each other, and I couldn't care less about you or your problems and I know you won't care about mine, either. So small talk for us is like bullshit talk. It all seems extremely fake because it's a tacit understanding that we don't care about each other's personal lives. 

The extent of our small talk would be discussing their public past, such as, "where did you go to school?" or talking about a mutual friend. That's it. Nothing more. This is why two Asian acquaintances rarely ever become more than casual buds.

"But how do you make friends?!" I hear you scream from behind your screen. Well, not by small talk, that's for sure. We introduce ourselves in the beginning, and then we suss each other out on the possibilities of friendship. Kind of like a test. Do you like movies? What kind? Oh. So close, buddy, so close. After the initial meeting, the two people will usually know if they belong with each other. It's almost always a mutual understanding. It's rare that one person keeps chasing the other for friendship points. If our personalities match at the start, then bingo, let's hang out. Otherwise, let's just become acquaintances that say hi every once in awhile. 

So when a western or westernized acquaintance approaches me and asks how I'm doing or how my weekend was and they genuinely seem like they want to know, it's like, "whoa, hold on there, buddy!" It's not that I don't want to tell them about my weekend of stuffing my face with Smith's potato chips and my Game of Thrones marathon, but it's just that I know deep down that they don't care. So what if you know that during the weekend I went to the beach? What will you do with that worthless piece of information? I feel as though my life is not important enough for an acquaintance to listen to. I mean, unless I met Brad Pitt, I don't think my weekend escapades are ever worth mentioning. If one Asian asks another that, they would be met with an awkward smile and an, "it was good." That's it. Because we're private people, and when an acquaintance tries to pry a chunk of our lives out of our hands, they're seen as busybodies.

Not only that, but Asians don't normally talk to strangers in general (unless it's old Asian mothers who complain to each other about the long queue or low-quality service). But like I said, we have a bubble. Why do you think vox pops are so unpopular with Asians? Get out of our face, boy, we ain't got no time for your bullshit. Want an example? Watch this video and see the Asian girl's reaction at 1:34. Don't invade our personal space, please. Do not pop our personal bubble. Do you want a diagram? 

I'm not saying that we're frigid people, but it's just that we have an entirely different culture. One that focuses on intrapersonal relationships and a camaraderie between a very select few. Instead of having scattered and detached friendships, we focus on the handful of people we will never, ever let go. We believe that our effort should be used to deepen existing friendships instead of wasting it on shallow ones. It is a mindset that's difficult to shake off. 

I've learned to answer the friendly questions of westerners now. It's quite refreshing to see their genuine smiles and questions that are usually nonexistent in Asian societies. While we are too busy minding our own business, westerners are busy listening to other people's. It's such an interesting culture that I love to observe from a distance but not actually participate in. But I know that when I move back to Jakarta, I'll miss the small talk, no matter how unconventional it is for me.