I went to an art gallery yesterday with my friend. There was bar where they served cognac, so we went there to grab a drink and pretended that we're used to drinking brandy like we're the heir of a little landlocked country in Europe. Turns out, cognac tastes like better tequila, and if you know me at all, I have a strong aversion to tequila for...reasons. Anyway, my friend and I were about to leave and we were taking pictures of sculptures when a guy came up and asked me where I got my shoes because he works in fashion. From there, we started talking about him and how he just landed from New York 5 days ago and will be spending the next year here in Jakarta. He asked for our numbers and voila, friendship formed.
Let's get to it:
Having lived in Jakarta for 16 years and then moving to Melbourne, I've found that Asians and Westerners are so incredibly different when it comes to social interaction. I'm not saying one is better than the other, but it's pretty funny how different they are.
Asians mostly keep to themselves. We're pretty tight on family and friends, but random strangers? Not so much. This means that you rarely ever smile to a stranger on a street or act extremely graciously towards a salesperson or the cashier taking your Starbucks order. Our lives are as private as Jay-Z and Beyonce's relationship, and it's something I've been used to. Think of all of us in a personal bubble. However, growing up with a dad who spent university time abroad in Sydney has made me slightly more talkative. My dad would joke around with waiters, store assistants, cashier people, drivers, what-have-you. The look on their faces are priceless. It's a mix of surprise and delight. After all, inequality is prevalent in Jakarta, and those who are of a higher class rarely mingle or talk to those they deem below their class. Which is why when I joke around with security guards in malls or the cashier, my friends would look at me strangely. It's not just the inequality that might be the problem, it's the general idea that people should only talk to strangers if the situation calls for it.
When I was a kid living in a condo, I would go down and talk to the concierge for hours. I'd go outside to where the security guards were guarding the entrance, and I'd chill there. After school, I'd wait for my mom to pick me up by talking to the security dudes in the entrance of my school. I got to know everyone. If I'm bored in a mall, I'll strike up a conversation with the security guy and joke around about what metal detectors really do (nothing, it's a scam). But most of the guards seem apprehensive and sometimes refuse to say anything past the common etiquette of "yes, thank you" and "no, thank you." They weren't used to having people talk to them for the sake of it, especially not a girl walking on $450 shoes.
During my trip to Bali, I was walking hand in hand in the resort with my dad's best friend's 10- year-old daughter, Kayla, whom I have treated like a sister. As I was passing by one of the workers/butlers, I smiled and said, "hello!" and he smiled back. When we were out of earshot, Kayla said, "wow, you're so brave."
I was shocked. Honestly. Here we were in Bali, arguably one of the friendliest islands in the world, and she's afraid to speak to the locals and workers? Kayla was raised very privileged, and I know that it might be difficult for her to comprehend the idea that the lower class are not all predators, but honestly, she was afraid of saying hello. That was a real eye-opener for me.
The odd part was just yesterday, after the art exhibition, I said, "goodnight!" when I passed a random security guy who was working alone in the lobby. My friend looked at me and said, "wow, you're so nice."
Maybe I'm so used to the friendliness of Melbournians and Westerners in general, but when has smiling and saying hello become such a big deal here? Of course, the first few months I was in Melbourne I was slightly taken aback at how friendly people are. The sales assistants would ask me how my day was and actually listened. They'd help me find jeans and tell me if I look great in them. They would say things like, "I bought these for my girlfriend and she loved it!" when promoting a product. Twist? The one saying that was a girl. I'm not a homophobe but I found it extremely refreshing to see someone so open with their sexuality and willing to share it with customers.
Honestly, I'm still slightly timid when it comes to talking to strangers as smoothly as they do in Melbourne, but I'm slowly taking the friendliness I've learned and brought it back to Jakarta. The sad news is that not many people reciprocate that kind of affability. Sure, there are jokers here and there who aren't afraid to josh around with me, but it's quite rare for me to find them. They all seem to be genuinely scared to approach me sometimes.
Again, I'm not saying one is better than the other. The friendliness of Westerners are often misconstrued as the start of a beautiful friendship for us awkward Asians. It is not. They hug and talk and say things like, "we should catch up and have lunch!" when they don't really mean it. Even if you do have lunch, they have a number of other people they have the occasional lunch with as well. I noticed that Westerners are more inclined towards a multitude of shallow acquaintances on top of their best friends, whilst Asians prefer a tight-knit group of best friends and very few, if any, shallow acquaintances.
If only people in Jakarta were friendlier towards strangers, maybe we wouldn't be such socially awkward people. Even when we were in the art exhibition my friend said, "Westerners would be so much easier to mingle with."
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