Hot Topic: I Don't Like Celebrating My Birthday

I used to celebrate them, way back when birthday parties were huge and I could dress up as a princess with a large cake with little figurines of whatever I was into at that point in time. I had a superhero-themed cake once and I wasn't even a big fan of superheros. I just didn't want my cake to be pink and barbie-like because at the tender age of 8 I was already a feminist acutely aware of sexism and gender roles. But ever since I entered middle school, I stopped celebrating it altogether. Just a nice dinner with my immediate family will suffice.

Let's get to it:

I celebrate my birthdays humbly and intimately. Aside from the mandatory family dinner at a nice restaurant, most of the time I just invite a handful (less than 10) of people for a lunch somewhere. My last 'extravagant' party was for my 15th birthday at a Burger King where I invited around 15 of my best friends. Thanks Burger King, you really made my 15th a day to remember. 

My 16th birthday was more memorable. At that time, I have been grounded for a few months and will stay grounded until 17 (don't ask), so I didn't really give a shit about my birthday. But lo and behold, 20 of my closest friends joined on a Sunday night to surprise me at a restaurant, along with my family. I celebrated. We ate. We sang. I had cake. I received presents. It was awfully unsettling for me to be in that limelight. 

I was never a big fan of the whole cake-cutting and singing tradition. Especially because Indonesians have songs after the obligatory Happy Birthday chant. Like the Cutting The Cake song, and the Sharing The Cake song, and then that one asshole in the background sings the redundant Eating The Cake song. So excuse me if I decide to not partake in the cake ceremony. Also, what do I do with my hands when they sing? Clapping my hands make me look like a seal, like what am I even clapping for? Singing along is such a douchebag move. Sitting and staring at the cake is even more awkward, but having eye contact with friends and family raises the awkwardness by at least 10 points. It's literally a lose-lose situation. You either look like an entitled douchebag or an unappreciative douchebag. I refuse to be either.

And what about sweet 16th and 17th held in grand ballrooms? That's wedding-material right there. Your future wedding will have to be bigger than this otherwise you'll throw a tantrum. "My birthday was better than this!" See, this is why I held my birthday at a Burger King. Even if my wedding is at a dodgy alleyway it will still be better than my Burger King birthday. 

I don't know whether this is just an Indonesian tradition but during someone's Sweet 16th or 17th (whichever one you choose to celebrate opulently) the Birthday Girl brings her 16/17 best friends, or 'Candles' as they call it, on to the stage to talk about the Birthday Girl. No, this is probably the worst thing anyone can ever do in the history of anything. The holocaust was bad and so was Pearl Harbor but this tops that by a longshot.

Having 16 people tell the entire ballroom what an amazing person you are is literally the most narcissistic thing in the world. The entire room has to wait and listen patiently as people fluff you up. Such good. Wow. Much kind. Amaze. Such pretty. 

My face listening to 16 people talk about how lovely the Birthday Girl is

Now, I have been a Candle for my best friend, and I love her to bits. But do I really need to tell the world why I love her? Honestly. The fact that I'm here already proves my love for my friend, do I really have to talk about how 'she's always there for me' and 'she's just a really caring person'. Doing the candle bit literally looks like the Kanye meme.

I've been to birthday parties where the Birthday Girl wasn't as amazing as her 16 friends made her out to be. I just wanted to jump up from the crowd and scream "LIAR. SHE TOOK MY ERASER AND NEVER GAVE IT BACK, THAT BITCH." 

Aside from the whole icky Candle situation, birthdays just make me super uncomfortable. Sure, I love presents and the more the merrier, but it's the idea that I'm celebrating another year of not dying. "Thanks for the present, I know I did a great job living." So I refuse to openly acknowledge my birthday to my friends and acquaintances. It feels odd to me, that's all. 5 friends for lunch at a small restaurant is good enough for me.

I feel like I'm one of the few who thinks it's extremely unnerving to have people sing and celebrate how awesome it is that I am still alive and that I will continue to grace the world with my blessed presence. Which is why during my birthday lunches I refuse to call it a birthday lunch. It is simply a lunch that coincides with my birthday. But please bring presents, I like presents. Presents are totally okay. 

Also, being the host of a birthday party seems like such a rigorous task. I have an innate need to please the people I love. So if I see someone not enjoying the party I feel like that's my fault. No, please cheer up friend, let me take you on a magic carpet ride and show you the world so you will have a great time today. 

I will be turning 20 this year. I don't know if it's a big enough milestone to celebrate when 21 is only a year away. I think I'll just have the usual lunch-during-my-birthday-but-not-actually-a-birthday-lunch. I mean, I'm not Mother Teresa or anything, so I feel undeserving of such praise and singing when I haven't accomplished anything worth the celebration.