Now that I'm relocating back to Jakarta, the question on everyone's lips is, 'what's going to happen with you and your boyfriend?' I've had strangers weigh in on our future and give us their unsolicited two cents. To be honest, this conundrum has been the bane of our relationship for the past month or so. Not only do we both have different views on the subject, but we are adamant that our stance on it is correct. But when we both watched Spike Jonze's Her yesterday, I realized that relationships come in different forms, and we shouldn't focus on just one.
Let's get to it:
Distance, to me, is a part of any relationship. When I was sixteen, I had to bid farewell to everyone I knew before moving to Australia. Ever since then, my relationships with people, both platonically and romantically, have been thwarted by oceans. I have learned to say goodbye, but I have learned to say hello just as much. Because it doesn't really matter whether or not the relationship is a little time bomb, as long as it ends with a bang.
The issue with most couples is whether or not to continue the relationship past that point. The moment you or your partner hops on the plane, do you still hold on? Many would say that it depends on the relationship, but I think it depends on how replaceable that person is to you.
You wouldn't part with a rare gemstone you found after mining underground for months, because you might not come across it ever again. You wouldn't let a a shiny Pokemon go, because chances are you wouldn't see one again. The measures you take to keep something determines the worth you see in said object.
There's a reason why I never reached out to the people who left me with memories and a box of photographs. They were replaceable the way most things are in my life. I believe that they were good for the development of my consciousness at that point in time, but their departure wasn't something to pine over. Sure, it was hard at first, but after awhile I learned that distance is just a part of life, and I became used to visa restrictions, plane tickets, and Skype conversations.
But now and then, you'll find someone who you would definitely give a shit for. Someone whose absence won't make your heart grow fonder, but grow weaker. And it's an absolutely lovely feeling that you wouldn't let go. But continuing the relationship between miles of land mass and oceans isn't horseplay. The bigger problem isn't the laborious work involved to keep the love afloat, but the fact that most people give up before the work even started.
People are afraid of long distance relationships the way some are afraid of sharks; if they don't get in the water, they won't get bitten. But when that happens, they miss out on the beautiful sea altogether. Tackling long distance is much easier now than it was decades ago. Couples used to communicate via letters, books, sporadic telegraphs or just simple hopefulness—and their love still survived. Yet I've met so many people today who are afraid of embarking on a long distance relationship, even though they have a plethora of tools to help them bond. We are privileged to have these things to keep us close, so maybe we shouldn't overlook them, and instead take advantage of what past lovers never had.
Most people refuse to do long distance because there is no certainty or a possible outcome—but there is never a light at the end of the tunnel for any relationship, even if the two of you live in the same city. Uncertainty is part of every affair, and to think that it is only applicable to long distance relationships is just foolish.
What I learned from Her is that relationships can form without the aid of anything physical. Love is a state of mental vehemence, and physical affection is simply the cherry on top of a sundae. But with the prevalence of hookup culture and premarital sex, it seems that people think the physical aspects of the relationship is the sundae, with love being the cherry. This is why long distance relationships fall apart so quickly, because once you take the bananas and the nuts out (no pun intended), you're left with the cherry to work with. I found that for long distance relationships to last, you need an unwavering bond that transcends physical intimacy. Without it, both of you will end up on opposite corners of the world, wondering why on earth you decided to do this in the first place.
People always tell me that long distance relationships never work, and I find it odd that no one ever talks about the success stories. What about my sister and her boyfriend, who after years apart in Germany and Singapore, are finally on the same bed of land? What about my parents, who used to send photographs and cheesy letters from Indonesia to Sydney and are now thirty years into their marriage? Or two of my friends who have been in a three-year long distance relationship between Canada and America?
We shouldn't let our fear of failure, sexual depravation or hard work end a relationship that would otherwise last. Distance is only separation of the bodies, but not of the heart, and there is something wonderful about becoming independent together with someone you love. If you believe someone is worth the fight, the Skype calls, and the intermittent visits, then don't let that person go just yet. There is no fault in trying. Just because someone has to bloom in another garden, doesn't mean you should stop watering them.
The issue with most couples is whether or not to continue the relationship past that point. The moment you or your partner hops on the plane, do you still hold on? Many would say that it depends on the relationship, but I think it depends on how replaceable that person is to you.
You wouldn't part with a rare gemstone you found after mining underground for months, because you might not come across it ever again. You wouldn't let a a shiny Pokemon go, because chances are you wouldn't see one again. The measures you take to keep something determines the worth you see in said object.
There's a reason why I never reached out to the people who left me with memories and a box of photographs. They were replaceable the way most things are in my life. I believe that they were good for the development of my consciousness at that point in time, but their departure wasn't something to pine over. Sure, it was hard at first, but after awhile I learned that distance is just a part of life, and I became used to visa restrictions, plane tickets, and Skype conversations.
But now and then, you'll find someone who you would definitely give a shit for. Someone whose absence won't make your heart grow fonder, but grow weaker. And it's an absolutely lovely feeling that you wouldn't let go. But continuing the relationship between miles of land mass and oceans isn't horseplay. The bigger problem isn't the laborious work involved to keep the love afloat, but the fact that most people give up before the work even started.
People are afraid of long distance relationships the way some are afraid of sharks; if they don't get in the water, they won't get bitten. But when that happens, they miss out on the beautiful sea altogether. Tackling long distance is much easier now than it was decades ago. Couples used to communicate via letters, books, sporadic telegraphs or just simple hopefulness—and their love still survived. Yet I've met so many people today who are afraid of embarking on a long distance relationship, even though they have a plethora of tools to help them bond. We are privileged to have these things to keep us close, so maybe we shouldn't overlook them, and instead take advantage of what past lovers never had.
Most people refuse to do long distance because there is no certainty or a possible outcome—but there is never a light at the end of the tunnel for any relationship, even if the two of you live in the same city. Uncertainty is part of every affair, and to think that it is only applicable to long distance relationships is just foolish.
What I learned from Her is that relationships can form without the aid of anything physical. Love is a state of mental vehemence, and physical affection is simply the cherry on top of a sundae. But with the prevalence of hookup culture and premarital sex, it seems that people think the physical aspects of the relationship is the sundae, with love being the cherry. This is why long distance relationships fall apart so quickly, because once you take the bananas and the nuts out (no pun intended), you're left with the cherry to work with. I found that for long distance relationships to last, you need an unwavering bond that transcends physical intimacy. Without it, both of you will end up on opposite corners of the world, wondering why on earth you decided to do this in the first place.
People always tell me that long distance relationships never work, and I find it odd that no one ever talks about the success stories. What about my sister and her boyfriend, who after years apart in Germany and Singapore, are finally on the same bed of land? What about my parents, who used to send photographs and cheesy letters from Indonesia to Sydney and are now thirty years into their marriage? Or two of my friends who have been in a three-year long distance relationship between Canada and America?
We shouldn't let our fear of failure, sexual depravation or hard work end a relationship that would otherwise last. Distance is only separation of the bodies, but not of the heart, and there is something wonderful about becoming independent together with someone you love. If you believe someone is worth the fight, the Skype calls, and the intermittent visits, then don't let that person go just yet. There is no fault in trying. Just because someone has to bloom in another garden, doesn't mean you should stop watering them.
"Maybe, it's not the distance that's the problem, but how you handle it." -David Leviathan
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