Hot Topic: Jealousy

My girl friends and I were discussing our relationship issues over lunch, and we arrived on the topic of jealousy. Somehow, I was the only one with a different view on it, and I honestly don't understand why someone could be jealous of their partner's friends of the opposite sex (or same sex, or both, I don't judge). To me, jealousy is like a pesky fruit fly; unnecessary, persistent, but easily removed. 

Let's get to it:

I used to be a very jealous person. Back in middle school, the mere thought of my crush hanging out with another girl sent me into a hormone-induced rage. By high school, logic had seeped in and drenched my adolescent mind with reason. I became aware that I—a separate entity from my oblivious love interest—had absolutely no right to make him mine. He's as much public property as the school's cafeteria, and so I stopped letting jealously get the better of me, and let the object of my affection go out with whomever he pleased. Of course it hurt to see him walk hand in hand with other girls and hear about his sexcapades, but he was a human whose heart didn't belong to me, so I wasn't allowed to have a say in who he should and shouldn't date. 

That logic continued to be impregnable years later, and I found myself holding on to a similar principle with my boyfriends. While the green-eyed monster usually finds its way into every relationship, I never had to deal with the infamous beast. Jealousy was never a problem for me, but I know it's been a problem for my partners. Sometimes I convince them enough to let it go, because when reason goes head to head with irrationality, the former always wins. 

My friends explained that it's because of love that they get jealous, and they pointed out that maybe I don't love my boyfriend enough, and that's why I don't feel envious or worried about him cheating. Most people say this with an air of superiority and justification, as if my feelings towards my partner is somehow inferior because I let him go out with his friends. On the contrary, it's because I love him so much that I don't restrict his friendships in any way. 

Another female friend hates when her boyfriend hangs out with other women, and I find that mindset to be a bit selfish. That's not love, that's insecurity. The thing is, jealousy has nothing to do with love, but with trust. I let my ex-boyfriend's female best friend sleep over at his house after a night of drinking without me. I let my current boyfriend go out with his girl friends without asking if I could come. I do all this because I do not own my boyfriend's life, and I don't place myself above any of his friends. I am important to him, but I am not the only person that's important, and so I give him the carte blanche with his social life as long as it doesn't hurt our relationship. 

Girlfriends who demand to be the only female in their partner's lives need to realize that they are not a special snowflake. The same way girls have friends of every gender, boys also have close female friends. When you enter your partner's life, you merely become an addition to his contact list, but that's all. His life still goes on, just with you in it. So don't expect your partner to delete every female off his contact list once he has you, because if you even think about removing your boyfriend from every female-dominated public sphere, then perhaps you should swallow some seeds, chug a bottle of water, and grow up. Jealousy isn't normal, it's a crack in the relationship that you can fix with trust and honesty. The more you hold on to him, the more he'll leave you for someone who will let him breathe.  

Trust is a huge part of every relationship—have that and you'll lessen your fights by threefold. The main reason why my boyfriend and I never have any jealousy-related arguments is because he's able to separate emotion and reason the same way I do. He had expressed his jealousy once before, but immediately realized the ludicrousness of it all. What I love most about my boyfriend is the freedom he gives me, and that, I think, is what makes the relationship so strong and smooth-sailing. 

But what if he or she cheats on me? I hear you ask. Well, that's not your fault, nor should you let your irrational fear get in the way of a healthy and trustful relationship. If your partner chooses the path of infidelity, then you can't do anything about it but walk away. You have given your partner the freedom to choose, and if he takes advantage of that then he's not worth your time anyway.

My boyfriend has a clean slate. He's never broken my trust or made me question his faith, and that is why I choose to let him be. It would be a different story if he had cheated on me before, but for now, I won't make room for jealousy simply because there's no reason to. I let him be independent because he's too young to be held down by my incessant jealousy. We never put strict rules on each other's lives because my boyfriend is not my property, and I am not his. He has friends and family who are just as important as I am, and I'll be damned if I force myself to be his number one. Let your partner grow and develop with the aid of everyone in his life, regardless of gender and past, because you sure as hell can't do it all on your own.