I was having a conversation with my boyfriend when I suddenly had an epiphany and nearly choked on my pork bulgogi. In a few months, he will inevitably meet my parents during my graduation, and that will be the first boyfriend I introduce to my family. Worried, I warned him that my parents won't accept anything less than perfect when it comes to their daughters' significant others. It was then that I realized how for the past two decades, I have been using my parents' Husband Checklist to find my future consort instead of my own list, and how it has become detrimental to my search for a potential partner.
Let's get to it:
Instead of telling me about the birds and the bees, my parents taught me How To Find A Husband 101. I've always been a somewhat reckless kid, and my parents knew that trait would trickle down to my relationships, so they constantly gave unsolicited advice regarding my future boyfriends. They emphasized on the fundamental trait of a Good Husband, which is his Catholicism. Now, his inherent faith in Christ is not necessarily what makes him a Good Husband, but it is the religion itself that arguably makes a strong marriage. The Catholic church forbids divorce, so my future husband's departure wouldn't be of concern if I marry someone of the same faith. So there it is, checklist number one: be Catholic.
The subsequent checklists include, but are not limited to, my future husband growing up in a good family (i.e. they do not come from broken homes, have polygamous parents or have drug dealing siblings), a good track record (even being charged with petty theft is a huge drawback), a good education (with an undergraduate degree as the minimum requirement), is financially stable (my mother stresses the importance of a husband with a good savings account more than she enforces flossing my teeth before bed), and absolutely no tattoos.
My mother has never been one to talk about love in a marriage but only the technicalities of it all. "Love doesn't buy you rice," she often says. I grew up believing that the amount of money in my potential husband's bank account is of utmost importance because financial security should be the basis of any good marriage. I was never told to get married for love, but to get married for his past, his future, and his family. I was inundated with rules and regaled with anecdotes of failed marriages. So I ventured through life with a clipboard and boxes to tick; looking at men through the goggles of my parents' paranoia.
I am not condemning the advice of my parents, because this year they celebrated their thirtieth anniversary, and I don't want to imply that my twenty years of knowledge has more substance than their three decades of marriage. However, I do seem to use the checklist given to me by my parents rather than using the checklist I have written myself from the trial and errors of my personal dating life. I have been roaming around with my pen and clipboard scribbling notes and ticking boxes, ruining any chance of a future with someone simply because he doesn't tick off a certain criteria. These boxes, I have been told, were like building blocks to a good marriage; have all of them, and I will survive it.
But it seems that these checklists were made without me in mind. My parents gave me this eerily detailed list of what I should look for in a man but disregarded what I myself want in a husband. What happens when the boxes I should tick are the very boxes that I refuse to? I shouldn't let the man of my dreams go because he doesn't fulfill the criteria my parents have inculcated in me.
These checklists seemed so in reach when I was younger. I figured that if my parents found each other, then so could I. But I was fooled by my own innocence. I realized after a while that finding the perfect man isn't about ticking all the boxes in the checklist handed to me by my parents. That checklist shouldn't be the only factor I should consider when choosing someone to walk down the aisle. Checklists, just like anything, should be revised. They are not written in stone, they are written in pencil, and I'm the one with the eraser and a pen. If I am going to marry someone then the checklist he has to abide by should be the checklist I have written myself, integrated with my parents' guidance.
Maybe I am not supposed to find the Perfect Checklist Husband. Waiting for him might take a lifetime, and sooner or later I will take a chance on someone who falls short. Perhaps, marriage isn't about finding someone who ticks all the boxes but someone who defies every one of them and still fights for you anyway. As naive as I may seem, I still understand to a certain extent the power of love, friendship and perseverance in a marriage.
“Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.” -Gordon B. Hinckley
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