Today at church, I purposely placed myself amongst children. I know I'm here for God, but when God's word starts to get boring, I can play with the cutie patootie children on my left. But there's this one tiny bitch who kept pointing at me and whispering at her sister and I wanted to cut her. Not a good emotion to have at church. I will forgive those who trespass against me including you, tiny 5 year-old. Ain't yo momma ever told you it's rude to point and whisper and laugh at strangers? So here are 17 things I will teach my kids. Side note, if my future kids are reading this, hi.
Let's get to it:
1. "Kids, play at least one instrument because it will give you an advantage in life. Also it will make you, like, 10x hotter than someone who doesn't play anything."
Was I furious that I was forced to play the piano for over a decade and enter all the exams? Yes. But am I extremely grateful for the fact that I can play it and read notes? Fuck yes. Playing an instrument and reading notes activates certain parts of the brain. It helps your memory, teaches perseverance, better coordination, improves reading and comprehension and discipline. Also, I can pretty much woo a man by playing a song on the piano.
2. "Kids, some boys like boys, some girls like girls, some girls want to be boys, some boys want to be girls, some people don't like anyone. Some people have dark skin, some people have light skin, some people were born with rashes and big birthmarks or no limbs. Some people have scars and no hair and big noses and a funny face. But what matters is their character and how they treat others. Don't ever dislike other people based on what they look like."
I wish this was taught to some people I know. I know someone who hates another race just because she thinks they're 'disgusting' and I thought that comment was disgusting. If my kids ever belittle the LGBT community or brutally make fun of someone for their genetic trait, I swear I will lock my kid in a closet and force him to listen to an endless loop of El Mudo's Chacarron Macarron.
3. "Kids, you will love someone when you're younger. Heck, you'll love lots of people. Make sure you don't put all your happiness in that one person."
I wish someone told me this growing up. I know so many people who, once they're in a relationship, drop everything for their significant other. They'll drop their favorite sport to spend more time with the girl, or she'll see her friends less to meet up with the boyfriend. Then what happens once they break up? They forget how to be happy without their partner.
4. "Kids, you can be sad and you can be happy. But when you're sad, learn to pick yourself up. You should never need anyone, only want them."
No man is an island, but I want my kid to be an island with a bridge. My kids should never depend on someone all the time, because then they'll grow up always needing someone to pat their back or tell them things are going to be okay. Being independent is a great trait to have.
5. "Kids, you'll do dumb things and make huge mistakes, and you'll never stop doing that until the day you die."
When you reach a certain age, people expect you do stop making mistakes. "That's part of growing up!" People tell me as I recount near-death experiences in my life. But once you hit, oh, say, 21, some people tell you that, "you should know better" or "you're an adult". Fuck. That. I don't want my kid to grow up and be afraid to take chances just because other people think he's too old to learn new experiences.
My kids are going to read. No doubt. They will read great books. I will give feed them novels like I would give them fruit. They will learn to love characters and stories and appreciate literature. They will take their books wherever they go and read them in the waiting room or in the airplane, or in class. They will cry when a character dies, and feel embarrassed when another makes a mistake. My kids will revel in books and live a thousand lives and go on adventures. They will read. I will make sure of it.6. "Kids, here's a book. Here's 100 more."
7. "Kids, let's watch Friends."I think the fact that I was raised watching Friends really shaped how I perceive comedy. I may not be the funniest person out there, but I'm pretty sure I'm funnier than most people. I've also found that humor is the best escape, and I want my kids to learn that laughter is the best medicine.
Growing up, every kid will hear, "you're so cute!" or "you're so pretty!" at least once. It gives kids the illusion that that's all that matters. If my kid turns out to be gorgeous, I will work 100 times harder on her personality. I will make sure she helps out the less fortunate or encourage her to pursue a hobby like painting or dancing. Because I realized that growing up, beautiful girls hardly ever attempt to find out who they are and what they're good at because they've always relied on their looks the majority of the time. So if my kid turns out to be really good looking, you bet your ass I'm going to help her develop a personality. My kid ain't gonna be another one of those bimbo beauties, no sir.
8. "Kids, looks are important, but that's the icing on the cake. Make sure you have some flavor in you otherwise no one's going to take a bite."
9. "Kids, your best doesn't always mean an A+, and that is okay."Man, if my parents ever said this to me growing up, I wouldn't be the incorrigible psychotic self-deprecating perfectionist I am today. For years I have been conditioned to think that my best equals to the best, and if I don't get the best, that means I didn't try my best. I beat myself up for every B+ and I always feel like I have the words 'idiot' written on my forehead.
10. "Kids, never stop learning. Stop and ask why things are the way the are."I don't know why, but I've always been a very inquisitive person. I've watched tons of documentaries about nearly everything. If I see something, even for a brief moment, I will do an in depth research about it. I need to know what I don't know. My kid will not be ignorant. Nothing is more beautiful than a curious person.
11. "Kids, the world is full of different people and different cultures. But no culture is better than another."
I don't want my kid to think a certain country's culture is better than their own. Culture is culture. It is history. I don't want my kids to abandon their culture for something they think is far superior.
12. "Kids, grudges are stupid. Forgive, because like I said, people make mistakes. It's life."
My mom taught me this. My mom would scream and yell at me with full force and 5 minutes later would treat me as if nothing happened. I've learned to become like that. Water off a duck's back, you know? Holding grudges takes more time and effort than to forgive.
13. "Kids, the brands you have and wear don't define your wealth or value as a person."
I hope my kid never begs for the newest [insert brand name] bag or shoe just because of the brand and exclusivity. I think it's extremely wrong to give your kids the idea that the brand you wear determines who you are and that you need to show off your wealth to be liked.
14. "Kids, find your passion and strive to build your life around it."This one is advice I'm trying to do, but to no avail. I'm grateful that my parents have never been the one to force me to do what I don't like, but I feel like as I grow older, they're becoming more pushy towards what I should be doing instead of what I could be doing. Like, I'm pretty sure my parents want me to make money as fast as possible and get married, all within the next 7 years. It's tough to live in an Asian household where the parental happiness outweighs individual satisfaction.
One of the greatest feelings in life is to listen to someone talk about themselves in the most unapologetic manner. When they realize that you're giving them a chance to open up and just vent, that's when you'll truly know a person. When they pause, look at you, and say, "I've never told anyone that before," or "can I trust you with this?" then you know that you've been a great listener. Ask them questions, nod, laugh, frown when you need to. I think everyone needs a little time to talk about themselves every once in awhile.
15. "Kids, listen to others, because everyone wants to be heard."
16. "Kids, you don't have to be good at everything."Oh mother, if only you told me this as I was crying over my failed math test. I think the fact that my parents were so adamant that I was capable of being a well-rounded individual that they forgot that I wasn't. I still don't think they've accepted my intellectual flaws, to be honest. So any failure on my part still seems like an act of rebellion or pure laziness. No, mom and dad, I'm actually not that smart. Thanks for believing in me but no seriously, I'm not that bright.
17. "Kids, I'd prefer it if you didn't have sex, but you're probably going to do it anyway. But do it when you want to do it, not when he wants you to. And for the love of cheese, slap on a goddamn condom."Do you know how young kids are having sex these days? IT'S MADNESS. 14 year-olds are having sex, so I don't even want to know when my kids will start humping other people. But they will, and although I will teach abstinence under my roof, they will forget that once they leave the house. So all I can do is to tell them to be safe when they decide to have a clandestine rendezvous with their new fling.
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