Hot Topic: How To Not Be Crushed By A Crush

Two female friends of mine asked for advice a few days ago. Both are heartbroken (or in the process of) and are curious to know how I have always kept a calm composure when it comes to boys. I, in turn, question their constant jitters and squeals when it comes to men. Boys, to me, isn't quantum physics. Writing a book about boys would take up as much space as a Dr. Seuss book. I'm not saying that men are primitive and are incapable of being complex. It's just that compared to the tortuous mind of females, men are pretty simple.

Let's get to it:

I'm not a psychology student, nor have I been out on the market, single as a pringle, collecting data from single men in bars. But growing up with a handful of male friends, I have come to understand them, slightly more than girls. I know that not all men are reflected in a ten-pack group of teenage Asian boys, so I won't try to convince anyone that I am a male aficionado.

My friends asked a simple question: how do you keep your heart from being crushed by a boy who strings you along and ends up not liking you?

I scoffed in my mind. O ye have come to the right/wrong place, I thought. I am the right place, as I have experienced such a misfortune. But I am the wrong place because since my infamous unrequited love, I have learned the unhealthy way to protect myself from a repeat of said incident.

I told my friends not to take my advice and that I am merely telling them how I personally deal with it.

For me, although some boys intentionally do string you along (they are called dipshits), that's not always their intention. Sometimes they want to suss you out; see what you're about and take you out to places to test the waters before plunging in the pool of PMS and bitchville.

Now here comes the fault of the ladies. Girls will get a text message or a phone call and get all giddy and call up their BFFs and squeal, "eh ma gaaaaaaaad guess who just texted me with a smiley face. Do you think he likes me?"

That question isn't really a question, but something girls spew out for a confirmation of what they already kind-of believe. The aforementioned BFF will then answer with a, "of course! Why would he [insert an act of kindness] if he didn't?"

The problem here is that girls will assume that a boy likes them based on a few good gentlemanly deeds. Why? Because most girls love themselves too much to comprehend the idea that maybe a boy might not like them. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. With too much self-hate going on, it's not something I would shun. But too much self-love is a bad thing, because then you will always get your hopes up with men.

Their girl friends will then fluff her up more, saying things like, "you're too good for him!" or the popular "he was a total asshole!" 

My (very bad) advice to you girls is to remind yourself that you are not perfect. Not everyone will like you, and not every boy will love you. You have faults that they might not like, and you have to be okay with that. You have to be okay with boys rejecting you after a few dates because he just doesn't like you. You are not garlic sauce, sweetie, you don't go with everything. 

So my personal (and very depressing) trick is to tell myself that that boy doesn't like me. No matter how many dates we go to, how many winky emoticons and flowers he sends me, I will always believe that we are just friends, until he says outright, "I like you." We are only friends until proven otherwise. It might takes months or years, but it's better to believe that this is strictly platonic than to live in a dangerous delusion that someone likes you when they actually don't.

Even then I still need, like, 10 more verifications. I'm like a captcha. I need them to constantly prove that they do have legitimate feelings for me. Please spell L-0-V-E to prove you are not a jerk.

I constantly remind myself of my flaws so I won't get big headed. Why would he like me? I sleep with my eyes open. I'm arrogant. I'm rude. I have acne. I'm fiercely stubborn. I can't cook. I am [continue the endless stream of demoralizing comments]. 

I know it's not the way to go in life. Maybe it is unhealthy to deject myself. But I would rather fully realize my imperfections than to go through life being blinded of my flaws. So there you go ladies and gents. The ever-unnerving way to not get crushed by your crush.

Sidenote: don't take my advice. I am a defeatist and I have only had 19 years of experience. Go ask your grandmother.